Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Writing crucial letters...

Yesterday I set down late to write a crucial letter that will set things in motion I would have preferred not to get moving. I seem to be doing that a lot lately and I hope it has something to though with universe shifting things to my advantage - eventually - and about CHANGES - changes for the better.
This one was about drawing the line and making a decision I absolutely despise to make.
But a decision it had to be and my choices where limited.
The one I made is a huge set back short term and definitely heart-wrenching for me - even now.
Yesterday I wrote blindly towards the end - and more than I had set out to - but once tears run free, so does everything that was trapped inside and had no place to be directed before.
If you've been working towards a goal and find out you've been held back intentionally, by not giving you what you needed to really get started honestly - that's quite a blow to your believes - or at least so it is to me.

Disappointments, trials, getting used - nothing really new to me.
But a few years ago I had decided to not deal with those above as I always had - by avoiding the pain by not letting anything come close in first place.
Only if you rob - or defend yourself completely - of pain and disappointments - you also miss out on the joy and happiness, because your armor becomes so strong that nothing will be able to penetrate anymore. I had built myself a stronghold since my childhood - fortifying as years passed by and I held on to the believe that every time I took a peak out, I got hurt again.
So that went on for a long time until I made the conscious decision that enough time had passed, that I had undergone an unbelievable training and would be a hard to beat opponent now - it was time to venture forth and out. Yeah, it was also getting boring in there, wasn't as comfortable anymore once I realized that the world had moved on had developed some really neat discoveries and so on.
Fortresses are really dreary places and besides the darkness extremely hard to warm up...
Willing to be out, one has to give up that tight sense of security and trust - trust is crucial.
And then you find out that that trust has been abused.
Not again - because that has been a different life - medieval times and so on - it's now NOW.
So you haven't been getting help, but that could be because it wasn't there, or forgotten, or ... well, there will always be people who will hinder and discredit others for one reason or the other, usually quite low human motives like jealousy or fear (we have all been through school) - and if ones willing, than one can find all kind of excuses for what others do.
(Note to myself - excusing myself has always been rather difficult, so could we maybe be as easy on us as we are on others?! Lets talk about that later, guys ;) )
So. Basically I was left behind and ignored.
Hard to find an excuse for that, if somebody elses insight shoves it straight into your face.

Hey I'm not one to give up easily, so don't get any weak notions here. Those of you who know me - know what I mean. You others might one day. But hey, giving up when it gets tough? No way, I wouldn't be able to look into a mirror again - 120% it is - I've not yet mastered that "could we maybe lower our standards just a tiny bit?" mindset yet, bear with me!

But how can you move on if this happened in an environment you not only place high hopes in, but also set high stakes - those of your future? Would you be able to continue in that exact close knit milieu, where it means to absolutely be able to depend on each other and completely trust that all around you will assist and support because to reach the goal all had to be in? Or would you need to move aside because those surroundings you got betrayed in would never truly feel secure again and you would not be able to fully give yourself to the task, because part of your mind would always wonder what happened behind your back? 

I try to fly by the seat of my pants and listen to my heart when it comes to people. 
Generally - these days - I give most everybody I meet a smile and a leap of faith. (lets exclude those you know in the first three seconds that you won't be able to deal with because chemistry just doesn't work and firework is building in your guts when they barely open their mouth or cross the critical 3 meter line!)
But when you loose that and the sense of basic trust is gone, how do you continue? How can anybody? How can you continue looking into people's eyes, knowing how easily they'll turn, because they have before?
Back to pedagogic - children who don't develop that basic trust in somebody or lost it for whatever reason - have a tough time learning for example. Why? Because they always have to spend so much energy and time testing their ground instead of flowing with open minds and hearts through the world and absorbing all there is - as those do who feel safe. Quite a difference, mmh? 

People who always say there mind can be really uncomfortable and annoying, but there is one safe thing about them: You will always see the knife coming...